Blog

It's not even a nice word. There are so many bloggers online, so many blogs, most go unnoticed. Maybe they want it that way. One of my favorite bloggers is a friend of my nieces. He's a photographer and artistic in nature. His posts are very unguarded, you definitely feel his pain. I'm not sure where he belongs and I wonder if he knows. He's posted entries from Utah and also posted through a time he was living in Vegas. Vegas would be more conducive to his lifestyle (personally and professionally), I would think but he's back here and he truly IS in a Paradox Patch. I'm not sure the general population appreciates the fact that he's not a cookie cut type that you think you are getting what you see. I like him. I like to read when he's happy because he's clever and funny. But he seems to blog more about the pain he feels and I appreciate that as well.

I certainly am not the cookie cut type either, but for the most part people actually appreciate me for that. My personality is handy in some situations and I'm "sent" to take care of things or situations. The problem is, you can't "un-send" me.

Recently on facebook I passed along a post that asked people to use one word to describe me. The results were very interesting. One person, I've known for around 16 years and I've always gotten the impression that she dislikes me. Not that that is unusual, to the contrary. You love me or hate me, but most of the time I know why you hate me. Her I'm not sure about. She chose the word "intriguing"... I'm a pretty open book so I can't imagine anyone finding me intriguing. Her husband chose the word "mystic". I have NOOO idea what that's about but it may be part of the reason she dislikes me. One friend said "unique" and he stands by it, but I think he could expound and it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I'm glad it was just one word. One long time internet friend chose "bipolar". THAT one I understand even though he was joking. I appear to be one way on the surface and when you know me better you see the other sides of me. I suggested bipolar was an understatement because what you are going to get could be anything. I may open the door smiling (at something one of my daughter's just said). I may open the door crying (in pain). I may open the door furious (it takes very little these days). Often I seem distracted, which I am. I am always researching something. Often multiple things.

When I was 15 I discovered I love Shakespeare, it was like meeting a new person within myself. When I was trying to lose the last 10 pounds I'd gained during pregnancy of my second daughter I discovered that not only do I LOVE yoga, but I'm extremely good at it. There are few things I am good at so that was an exciting new facet to find. I'm very visually stimulated. I love movies by certain directors because, visually, they move me. Yoga is aesthetically pleasing, I was always trying to perfect. Shakespeare is a pleasant assault on all senses, for me. I love to decorate (interior design) and for some people in my life it's fun because they can't see a finished Tuscan kitchen that came from a plate I bought at a second hand store. Kudos to my husband, he listens to what I am trying to achieve and helps me figure out a way to achieve it. Sometimes he looks dubious but in the end he deserves most of the credit. (He was a bit freaked out with the bright yellow shade I asked for in the kitchen and I wasn't sure how my plan to antique it would work out, but he stuck in there and loves it.) My best friend helped with my last room (I call it my Zen room) and the kitchen. He doesn't even try to get me to explain, he just waits to see what I've been seeing for months.

I've mentioned The Headache with a frequency that most people who know probably find tedious. I'm sorry for that, but it's my every waking moment. It's also the reason I haven't done yoga in years, or seen a Shakespeare play. That I've stopped redecorating. That the light I used to awaken early for pouring in my living room window is now blocked with dark curtains that are always shut. The parties I loved to plan with ambitions most people doubted I could pull off are now a shadow of what they were. I'm a shadow. I'm not intriguing or mystic. I'm broken.

I've always written. I always will write. I'm not persistent enough to get my writing published as I would like to. (I am published, though). I think it would be easier if I could draw the images that are in my head that I write about, but I can't do it. I'm not an illustrator and I'm not sure I can even pass what I see in my head onto someone who is. So my artwork will always be words. Often overlooked, in a sea of other wordsmiths.

So to the friend of my niece's whose blog I'm a fan, I feel your blog. You are very good at expressing your feelings. Like you this is often raw and open. Scary to share. I didn't even mean to, it just happened. But with all of us bloggers in the world, with various degrees of writing talent, can't we come up with a better word than BLOG???