Crossroads.

So I'm at a crossroads. The meds I take for pain are at a plateau. Now I'm maintaining the addiction and dulling the pain but not escaping it ever anymore. Time for choices and I know how each road ends or could end.
1st road is short and it leads to a cliffs edge. My thoughts on ending my life myself are actually pretty healthy. I joined a "thoughts of suicide" support group once and got in trouble for my very first sentence: "So I think about committing suicide." Everyone freaked. You aren't allowed to say the "S" word here. One girl said "She didn't know. She won't do it again." So everyone looks at me for what else I might say but what do I say? I'm there for a reason and the reason is the one forbidden topic?? It's not like the 'cry for help' kind of suicide, and there ARE many kinds, ya know. Mine is the 'one of the only options that are for ME' kind. I always hear people talk about suicide being selfish. I only know what I feel and what I imagine others feel and I say it's selfish for people to expect others to live with something that not only do they NOT feel or comprehend, but don't even really have to think about. I imagine many people have thought long and hard about their options and not really seen a better way. Who am I, who are YOU to judge that choice? And where were you when they needed you? Is it more important to you that someone exist even peripherally than not at all? Of course it is. That's selfish and you aren't qualified to make that choice. The cliff thing is metaphorical for me. I'm scared of heights because I'm afraid that if I jump/fall, it won't kill me. Just disable. Being disabled is on of my biggest fears. I'd probably miss with a gun, I don't want to take out a car so anything vehicular is out of the question. I don't want anyone to have to clean up a mess and I don't want to risk my kids finding me. See? Anyone who thinks about it THIS thoroughly isn't a huge risk. I've always known I'd do it with pills but now there aren't enough pills in my house to kill me. I literally take a lethal dose of pills every day. I'm immune. So this is why I hesitate at the first road.
2nd road is upping the meds. Methadone or morphine are next on the no win opioid list. My sister and I talked about this a lot. She knew about drugs and I promised her I'd not touch either "M" drug and I intend on doing everything I can to keep that promise. She passed away last year. I'd have gladly gone in her place but I know she's been at her own crossroads for a while now. All sisterly love aside, it would just bring me back to this place eventually anyway. This isn't a terminal illness, so there is no end in sight. Which takes me to road number....
3. Surgery. This would make everyone feel better (except me). Let me try to explain this surgery thing:
We are looking at spinal fusion on the most mobile section of my spine. This means I would no longer be able to turn my head. It would limit the things I do even as I am now. No driving, no roller coasters, no looking up or down or side to side. I had to voluntarily do that for awhile after one procedure and it was impossible for me. This is all assuming I don't die on the table or become a quadriplegic. Can you imagine the change from darkness and apathy to not being able to turn the channel or pee on my own? I'd be hard pressed to take road number 1 if I was paralyzed. 
The spinal fusion is anterior, meaning they'd approach the front side of my spine to put what is called an interbody cage:

 

 This would be implanted between however many vertebrae the specialist feels needs to be fused. In those little holes they would put plugs of my own or cadaver bone pieces and slowly it would all grow together around the cage. In the meantime there would have to be ZERO trauma. My doctor had been supportive of this until one of his patients fell face forward and when her mother tried to get her off of her face the small amount of bone growth snapped, instantly severing her spine. Here are more pictures of the procedure:

The cage is inserted much lower in these pictures than they would be in mine. Mine would be in the top two. How long does it take for the bone to completely grow around it assuming that my body would accept the bone sample?

What are my risks?

There are risks associated with any surgical procedure. The risks for a cervical surgery include but are not limited to: inter operative complications, infection, bleeding, hardware failure, hoarseness, paralysis, and death. Movement of the Bone Graft In approximately 1 to 2 percent of patients, the implanted bone graft moves or migrates out of its proper position between t he fused cervical vertebrae, the Mayfield Clinic reports. This complication of cervical spinal cord fusion typically requires patients to undergo additional surgery to replace the bone graft. Chronic Pain Cervical spinal cord fusion does not guarantee that patients will experience relief of painful neck symptoms. Chronic pain complications following cervical spinal cord fusion surgery may even be more severe than symptoms experienced prior to surgery, the University of Maryland Medical Center warns. Hardware or Fusion Problems Typically, metal plates or screws, called hardware, are attached to the cervical vertebrae to help stabilize the fused spinal bones. In certain cases, these pieces of hardware can become damaged or may crack or break before the attached cervical vertebrae fully fuse, the Mayfield Clinic explains. Hardware complications following cervical spinal cord fusion typically necessitate additional surgery to repair or replace the damaged hardware. Additionally, the connected cervical vertebrae may fail to fuse together, which can contribute to chronic neck pain symptoms. Fusion complications after surgery occur more commonly among patients who are obese, smoke cigarettes or have osteoporosis, a degenerative bone disease. And the number one permanent complaint? A chronic headache. So, YOU tell ME what to do. Because all that really matters in the scheme of things is what makes YOU comfortable? Because I am really tired of being an inconvenience to those of you who have so much to say about me and my life. Unless you live with me, or are me, you get no say in the matter.

Here's the thing. I'm a really good mom. Better in spite of the headache than many people I know. I spend a great deal of time pondering my choices and who they effect.