To forgive or not to forgive...

So about 2 and a half months ago I wrote a blog that got some of my family members' panties in a twist. Nothing that I said was untrue or a secret. I deleted most of my fam from Facebook, even those NOT involved (I figured it would be best to not make it a 'take sides' scenario). It's been a peaceful two and a half months. My girls have asked if this means we don't have to go to the family get-togethers (some are long standing traditions). I don't know what to say. I will always try to do what is best for my girls and husband but honestly the easy answer would be "No. We don't have to do it anymore.) especially since THEY all seem to dread it too. There are family members that I love and can't imagine life without them. My girls have some cousins that they love to spend time with and they need MORE time with them and not less. I guess it's a matter of making those events happen more often.

In the last couple of days I've heard some stuff that the ones I can live without have said or done. Not about me, but it never ceases to amaze me how cruel these people can be. Especially to the people they supposedly love. There's no excuse for it. I don't want my girls to grow up thinking that hurtful things should just be brushed off. Not to mention the irony of those who say these things.

I know I've become unbearably opinionated. I know that I am sometimes too sensitive. I know that the way my life is now has made me short on patience and ofttimes angry at the world. It hasn't made me insensitive to other people, though. This is unlike me to stay angry, to be so unforgiving. But what if this is what is best for all of us? I don't want to become so cruel. There's no excuse for that and I certainly don't want that for my kids. I may be a bitch, but it turns out that karma is an even bigger one. Food for thought.

My moment of Zen..

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I find myself wanting to leave my dark house less and less all the time. My husband (after many years of nagging) finished a room downstairs and let me decorate it as I wanted to. He did an awesome job (Thanks hubby, now about the doorbell...) I put up a table long enough to hold a small tabletop ironing board, iron, sewing machine, and the serger that I am clueless on how it works. The colors are earthy with splashes of surprising color here and there. I have a bamboo screen and a futon. The bamboo shade on the window hides cardboard I've used to make it dark and cold. It's my escape. The zen room. No one opens the door without quietly asking permission first.

My love of all things Asian isn't new nor is it surprising. I'm fascinated by the serenity, beauty, and dignity of each country's culture that makes up the whole. I discovered my fascination of the beauty that often hides breathtaking horror of Asian movies (culturally) when I watched Curse of the Golden Flower. It wasn't the first movie of it's kind that I'd seen and loved, but it was the realization that the traditions and culture of people who have been so advanced and yet so backward in our estimation. Truly, it's a veneer that happens everywhere, even right next door. Naturally after the amazing performance of Gong Li, I searched for more and discovered that I love the movies directed by Zhang Yimou and Gong Li was frequently in his movies (as is Zhang Ziyi of who I'm also a huge fan). I can't say I've loved everything I've seen by him but he never fails to surprise.

More recently I watched one of his movies that was called Not One Less. I've come to appreciate the difference in subject matter used in Asian films as opposed to American films which are often the same story different actors. The last movie I watched (not a Zhang movie) was called Letter From An Unknown Woman I was curious because the young actress looked familiar. So I looked on IMDb and it wasn't the same actress but it made me look deeper into something I'd noticed before in the movie Not One Less. The majority of the characters were played by actual people in occupations similar to if not THE one they portray in the movie. They even used their real names. The story is remarkable as are so many of the movies I've watched lately, but even better. The young girl who is the lead in the movie went on to leave her poor village and get a full scholarship to BYU Hawaii. Amazing. I'm going to post the Wiki entry and more info on the director, the movie plot, and the young girl. I highly recommend the movie.

Not One Less Wiki Link
Minzhi Wei

I am truly inspired by this. I am inspired by my day at church where I experienced love and forgiveness from an unlikely place. I wish I had the strength of character of the people who bless my lives. I wish that my anger and bitterness stemming from the pain of my daughter wasn't making me more angry and miserable. I wish I was a person more deserving of these friends and family. I wish I could truly find a moment of Zen.